...so i hear people actually read these things? heh don't i feel special. Finals are over, my last one was thursday. I still can't believe i got everything done...
This was quite a year...at the threat of sounding immodest i'm going to say...i think i've grown alot as a person during this year. I know this sounds pathetic...but i can't remember the last time i was really happy until now that is. It was so astounding, to be able to go about my days in such a content state, to be able to draw and paint, and just love what i was doing with such a passion that it surpassed the category of being a vice to actually being something i was doing for enjoyment. Maybe i'm coming closer to accepting myself...at least i think i am...i miss andrew...and beth too i guess...and i probably always will...and it still hurts to think about them sometimes...but someone i respect alot once told me that the one constant in the world is change (thank you Justin)...and i'm coming to accept that as well, that they're different people now...and they're living the way they want...and i can't live like that anymore..i spent five months recovering from last summer...i sincerely didn't think i'd ever want to live my life again...and some where amongst the hours i wasted sleeping my life away, i began to learn what it was like to be me again...it's an amazing thing to really lose yourself, to the point that you can't remember what you used to love, the things you used to do, and how you used to be...and then rediscover it....and this is why i don't care when people laugh at me because i like Full House, or Harry Potter...this is why i'm ok when i spend the weekend reading or drawing, and never exiting my room....it's why i don't mind when people think i'm strange because i sing along to the radio in the supermarket, or dance (and mind you i dance terribly) around while i'm at work....because these things make me happy...unbelievably undeniably happy...so i will play air guitar in my room at three in the morning while listening to "nothing but a good time" and i will smile and laugh and be happy that i'm alive....i will be honest (gasp)...i still love drugs...i love being unresponsible...i am attracted to the thrill of illegal activities, being high off my ass with shady people, snorting lines in a dingy apartment while listening to pink floyd,...or smoking weed in a basement (916)...i chalk this up to my being a self destructive person... because when i'm depressed...i really hate myself and who i am....
but i've come to learn...that i can't live my life that way...that it only contributes to my being depressed...that not being able to say "i'm not addicted" hurt my pride as much as my body...and it sucks that i still have that acrid taste in the back of my throat, the one that used to disgust me, that now tastes so good...and i can literally taste it, and i want it so bad i'm tempted to drop everything for it....but like i said...i can't live my life that way...
so here are my conclusions...and i write them now
because this school year signifies everything for me...a transition that i never reached before....
this is my goodbye...to andrew, to beth , to danny,to colleen (where ever you are...i hope you're better..that you've learned from your mistakes...), to nyk, to Mahony,to apples,to holiski, to na, to mu, to shano, to mark, to josh, to 58th and greenway, to dunkin and the dunkin crew, to marple house, and to 916 argyle which started it all...in a basement that we can never visit again ,with the blue walls covered in the ramblings of young minds....
my life as it had developed to...i cherish the good memories...because there were some great ones...
sadly this reminds me of the end of SLC Punk...where stevo learns that he has to grow up...and maybe that's true...maybe i'm growing up, and that sounds so ridiculously hallmarkish..but i guess in some respect it's true..and damnit sacha, if you're reading this...watch yourself...because i refuse to be the one standing over your body screaming " you're my only friend"...you have too much to offer the world to end up that way my friend, my dear friend...my best friend...
so i write this now...realizing that i can never go back..that i have to move forward...because it's the only choice i have left...but it doesn't scare me like it used to...because i think i'm going to be ok...